Livin Da Life - Past Tense

Maglubuhgerearhaa ekk!!

Study study exam times are near! It's scary.. and also sad, at the same time. Why? Because this will be my last undergraduate exam! I already attended the last lecture today by Paul Kirwan - brilliant guy - and its a wake up call.

Don't want to stop or start

Gotta hand it to the Japanese. Their cuisine absolutely reaches for perfection.
Today I tried my hand at Japanese beef nabe. Why beef nabe? Because I had leftover beef cut into 1 inch cubes and some miso paste from a friend. And some soba noodles.

Monday 4.33pm, 19.10.09

When I was choosing my university degree, I had some options open to me. None of which I wanted. Parents, always being parents wanted the "four corners" for me - Doctor, Pharmacist, Lawyer, Business". And if I wanted something else its always "Do something commercially viable, that will help you get a job," etc.

I suppose there is SOME bit of wisdom in that, so I was surprised when they agreed to psychologist, after exhausting my degree wish list (at that time) of media, chef, music, acting, programming...

So now I'm a psychologist, in training, waiting for the day I can financially support myself and go follow my dreams.

I have a dream...

1. Once I am earning a reasonable income, able to support myself, and live by my own cash I absolutely will, and must go learn how to cook.
My dream. Is to become a chef. The creation of culinary greats that bring universal joy to people. That combines the impossible with the heart, creating things never tasted before.

Oh it would be my ultimate goal to own a loved eating place. Where people anywhere would come and enjoy. I already have some of the sketch of this incredulous plan sketched out. After getting my masters, or working and being able to have a side hobby (probably around my mid-30's or 40's) I would go join a culinary school, one of the greats. And then start my way from the bottom again, interning in restaurants, gaining experience. And then when i'm around 50 I would have enough experience to start my own place.

Of course these things never work out the way I want them to. But that's why its called a dream. Impossible? Maybe. But as long as there's a 1% possibility, I won't give up.

2. Today, after my own personal miracle (see previous blog) I celebrated by downloading Freddy Rodriguez's Light in the Darkness (2009), one of the albums in the line of universally themed inspired worship.

That's right. Universal worship.
It's my experience that some christians insist there is a "right" way to worship. Theres nothing wrong with living your whole life with one worship style, or praise format. But don't get judgmental about people who do it differently.
Back home I as a drummer in church I grew up with some inflences of certain "styles" namley the Chinese style, the old retro style, and Hillsong started encroaching the scene around 1999. In fact i remember listening to all the cd's of christian music from the Australian continent which resulted in my worship leader commenting "wah your drumming style too western stylela! Can make it more chinese style?"

For me to go into the technicalities of different drumming styles would take forever, but it stuck on me. Coming to Australia caused me to be saturated with the Hillsong style. Now, this isn't a bad thing.

But we need to know that the same elements that make praise and worship great - truthful surrender - can be found on other continents, but in different forms. Listening to real gospel, with all the choirs and heavy R&B tones might seem unchristian at first. But listen to the people behind it. The words are the same. It's just the different way they sing it. Listen to latin-influenced praise. God dwells in the praises of His people.

Which is why. My dream one day. Is to bring people together everywhere with my drumming. I know. When i first started I had this self fulfilling goal of "mastering every style in the world". Now the words might be the same, but the reason is different. It's for His glory. I dream, that one day my drums would unite people from all backgrounds to the glory of His name.

I checked. An electronic drum set (I live with thin walls and sensitive neighbours) costs about $1000. And my church still doesn't have any openings for drummers.
But if the incidences of the past days are anything to live by, it's to trust God. I mean, He already gave me a guitar! I will nurture this seed. And pray that when the day comes for me to play, it'll be with His strength, and for His glory.

Monday, 3.44pm, 19.10.09

Referring to the weather, today was supposed to have a range from 4-21c. Insane isn't it? It kind of makes going out a bit hard trying to decide to wear heavy or light. Anyway.

Epiphany. Up till a few years ago I wondered what the word meant. I thought it was some sort of special choir or wind instrument. So when people say (which isn't too often) "I just had an epiphany!" I would think "But you're not musically inclined..."

But this post isn't about an epiphany. Than was just a passing thought.
First things first. Glory to God in the highest. When I walked in to the Sub Dean's office I was already envisioning the worst. Actually by the 2nd day of dreadful waiting I already came up with a million scenarios on what could happen, the worst was me having to do sexual favours on an old man in order to graduate.

So when I walked in. This nice old lady told me, "It's ok, you'll graduate end of this year. You have nothing to worry about"
She assured me it would all be taken care of.

Thank God!!! All those prayers He heard. OMgoodness i can't believe it! All my worrying. So have I learnt to trust God completely in all that I do? Err well.. no. I still sometimes want to have complete control over my life. But. I guess step by step He guides me. And I grow little by little. This process takes a long time (how God puts up with me I wonder) but I'm grateful. At least for now. I've learned. To let go more. =)

Friday 16/10/09 11.53am.

Argh!! Its frustrating. Everytime I draw closer to God and grow in His ways always some new challenge pops up.
And I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to rely on anyone. For anything. So for me to learn to trust Him for the best is sort of like me training a cat. Lots of scratches and bribes and disobedience. Which is why I so hate it when I have to learn to be patience, trust, and blabla.

For example. Just when I think I reach new breakthroughs in my spiritual walk, something comes along that makes me question everything! I just found out today, that I am NOT eligible to graduate!! It seems I have taken one too many courses more than the requirements. TOO MANY?!?! what kind of crap is that? So I have to wait till Monday where I will meet with the SubDean and try to work something out. My future is on the line!!!

But. I know His ways are not mine, and God knows the best things for me. When I look back i think if this were to happen to the old me i'd probably be having a mental breakdown by now. But these all these problems happen in God's time, same as the good stuff. I guess this are situations where I can learn to grow spiritually. Sigh. Praying for it.
Hope everything works out. 3 freaking days of worry!!!

So far i have about 500+ friends on Facebook. I can hear those hardcore people in the thousands scoffing at my oh so small number of people i hardly know. But I must confess. I’m trimming the numbers of friends I have. Mr Ho who’s a friend of a friend’s uncle? Delete. Maggie from primary school whom I’ve absolutely no interest in? Gone. And about tons more people. Click, gone, un – friends.

And Friendster ah who remembers that old relic of a network, back in the days where Windows Live was MSN and everyone remembered their ICQ number?. 200+ friends, all somebody of a someone from my past.

Close friends? I have none. None from my school days, college days, church, university, any circles I’m in. Probably a hangover from the political climates of primary school, where I mixed about in almost every circle and clique. With my limited Chinese back then, some Indian (now lost) and starter Malay I skirted about the outskirts with the Chinese, hanged around the Malays, and swore like a lorry driver with the Indians. All the time never getting in deep, the only connection between any of the groups being, well, me. I guess I could credit my charisma to this time when I had to be likable to everyone.

Growing up that way had its ups and downs. Sure, I could mix about freely among almost anybody I knew without the playground political repercussions. But the highest pinnacle of trust, the secrets, I was locked out. People don’t trust an outsider, no matter how inside they are. Even until now I know. I am liked, but never trusted. And I don’t trust in return. Looking out for myself has always been best, because ultimately people fail me. Always do.

At some point living this way stopped being the option available but at the very core there is still some necessity in it. For me anyways. College brought about the dreams, the hopes that people were more humane and looked beyond the labels. But it’s only human to judge by appearances. I don’t blame anyone. So I said “Don’t get hurt and don’t hurt”. Being a free radical gives me this amazing perspective of situations. I've learnt so many things. Tolerance, compassion, humility, patience, among others. Of course the price is always there. Friends from there see me as part of the other group, and friends here think I'm with the others. I’m with no one and everyone at the same time.

Sometimes I’d wish I could just fuck the foresight I have and retreat into the cliched-ness this group or the other. You know, “We’re so much better than them, and anyone of them is ‘labelled’”. Ah yes. Labelling people simplifies things so much doesn’t it? The total assumption of her is based on that core personality blabla bla.

But I could never label you, or you. or that group. Maybe born out of all the different perspectives in myself I never treat gossip seriously. I don’t listen to you when you say that group is a bastard. I don’t even condemn you when you label me with them, or me as whatever.

Of course there are people I don’t like but I would never simplify you.

Yes it gets lonely being on the outside, wondering, “what's it like being in?”. Is it worth not getting hurt? One day I’ll find someone. Confidante, lover, friend, secret-keeper. Who doesn’t judge me for who I hang out with, but sees the water under the act. Until then i remain jack of all trades, but master of none.

Emoing away my time. Zhong just left the room. that should explain it. Ok I'll admit it. when i first started blogging I had super grand designs. "It'll be fine, sophisticated reading for everyone!" I'd think, "Future generations will build monuments to my significant contribution (my thoughts) to mankind!"

Or so it went. Looks like what goes on in my head is hard to put in words. Or it just doesn't have the proper eloquence? So many things, grand designs I had, but all lost in the process of putting it down to paper. When i was young I learned from Calvin and Hobbes that we think a thought every 10 seconds. Pftt... psychology now tells me its one every microsecond. Imagine that world.

Ah changes. why do i crave the changes? Perhaps its the idea that with every little change maybe some will change for the better, new opportunities, I'd say. But then I'd find out that things never get inherently better, or worse. A new friend, old friends. New enemies, new relationships. The changing seasons reflected on by my mustard plants growing indoors. Yes, those are still there.

And of course, so many firsts. Like the first time i fell in love again, for the 267th time. Love is always a first. The first time i found out theres a storage time for oyster sauce in the kitchen. The first time I watched a musical. And the first time i felt that feeling in that situation, in that place, in that time, with those people.

Ah people. I would rather be a poor man surrounded by friends than a rich man with cows.
Somebody once said (I think it was Jesus) "Man shall not live by bread alone"

Totally agree with that. " Man shall live by bread WITH OTHER PEOPLE"

I miss the people from my life. at about a thousand thoughts a minute.

Its kinda nice when I know no one comes to read this stuff anymore, it gives me the freedom to think.
And yes, I'm back.

God is good! he blessed me with a guitar. its second hand, old, but it only cost me $10!! So perfect for beginner/ noobs like me. Plus i've got a good teacher as well =)
Thank you thank you thank you...

Laser tag was awesome!! i think it rates just a bit higher from paintball for me.
Ski trip coming up!

Last post in June??? wow i've really fallen behind.
just when i thought my blogging days were over the itch comes again.

A lot has happened. Last Saturday there was International Ball, best of all balls, not including mine. haha.
And and i'm going laser tag on Thursday and skiing on Saturday! Can't wait! I have never done both in my life so the plan is:

1. Shoot the gun at my team to see if it has battery.
2. "The fastest way to fly is jump off a cliff", so I'll go down beginner slope once, then its the pros for me!

A couple weeks back i got into this discussion with a non Christian about Christianity. I think being able to make that slight touch to someone else is the highlight of all these months.

Winter is on its last legs. And I have 10 weeks to go. My future is in His hands.

exams.
so will have no blog. unless i super free. till the 26th June.

Ok. study

8.14 3 June Wdnesday