On friendship
So far i have about 500+ friends on Facebook. I can hear those hardcore people in the thousands scoffing at my oh so small number of people i hardly know. But I must confess. I’m trimming the numbers of friends I have. Mr Ho who’s a friend of a friend’s uncle? Delete. Maggie from primary school whom I’ve absolutely no interest in? Gone. And about tons more people. Click, gone, un – friends.
And Friendster ah who remembers that old relic of a network, back in the days where Windows Live was MSN and everyone remembered their ICQ number?. 200+ friends, all somebody of a someone from my past.
Close friends? I have none. None from my school days, college days, church, university, any circles I’m in. Probably a hangover from the political climates of primary school, where I mixed about in almost every circle and clique. With my limited Chinese back then, some Indian (now lost) and starter Malay I skirted about the outskirts with the Chinese, hanged around the Malays, and swore like a lorry driver with the Indians. All the time never getting in deep, the only connection between any of the groups being, well, me. I guess I could credit my charisma to this time when I had to be likable to everyone.
Growing up that way had its ups and downs. Sure, I could mix about freely among almost anybody I knew without the playground political repercussions. But the highest pinnacle of trust, the secrets, I was locked out. People don’t trust an outsider, no matter how inside they are. Even until now I know. I am liked, but never trusted. And I don’t trust in return. Looking out for myself has always been best, because ultimately people fail me. Always do.
At some point living this way stopped being the option available but at the very core there is still some necessity in it. For me anyways. College brought about the dreams, the hopes that people were more humane and looked beyond the labels. But it’s only human to judge by appearances. I don’t blame anyone. So I said “Don’t get hurt and don’t hurt”. Being a free radical gives me this amazing perspective of situations. I've learnt so many things. Tolerance, compassion, humility, patience, among others. Of course the price is always there. Friends from there see me as part of the other group, and friends here think I'm with the others. I’m with no one and everyone at the same time.
Sometimes I’d wish I could just fuck the foresight I have and retreat into the cliched-ness this group or the other. You know, “We’re so much better than them, and anyone of them is ‘labelled’”. Ah yes. Labelling people simplifies things so much doesn’t it? The total assumption of her is based on that core personality blabla bla.
But I could never label you, or you. or that group. Maybe born out of all the different perspectives in myself I never treat gossip seriously. I don’t listen to you when you say that group is a bastard. I don’t even condemn you when you label me with them, or me as whatever.
Of course there are people I don’t like but I would never simplify you.
Yes it gets lonely being on the outside, wondering, “what's it like being in?”. Is it worth not getting hurt? One day I’ll find someone. Confidante, lover, friend, secret-keeper. Who doesn’t judge me for who I hang out with, but sees the water under the act. Until then i remain jack of all trades, but master of none.
